On Friendship

Extract from an email sent to a friend.

Friendship is not Platonic; it is anything but Platonic. The foundation of a friendship is not on memories but on ability to handle changes. In a relationship between any two (or more) figures, there are bound to be happy and sad memories; there is bound to be some kind of secret sharing or soul communing, or else it is not a friendship. Hence, to say that one values one's friendship because of its memories is to make a tautology - it is to not say anything at all. Good friends, I believe, are those who are most willing and capable of transforming oneself for another to suit another, in act or in being. For example, this is my perspective on the friendship between Tiffany Chan and I. I think both of us have change a lot for each other over the four years. From Chem buddies to Bus buddies to Concert buddies we are most able to entertain each other at all time. Of course there are a few memories; of course there are a few moments of secret sharing (actually, I'm all too surprise that there is only a few! But that's okay. Language is a game anyway, no?). These are natural when two people are spending time with one another. But what happens when both of us change? We bear it; and we bear it most tolerably. We still laugh, at old jokes, at new jokes, at my own ignorance in pop culture or her ignorance in philosophy; but we, too, laugh differently, as we understand the changes and each other, and we laugh in the way that would make the other further laugh. Perseverance through change - that is the key to friendship.

Your friend's conception of friendship seems to be entirely contrary to what I think. He thinks that the two of you have established a bond. But there is a problem with this metaphor: a friendship is not a bond that times two individual together; it is a bond that links memories of each other together. Your friend seems to have taken the former, which, I think, is incorrect. To link person with person assumes the existence of persons - yet this entity of "person", which is not at all the physical person, does not exist: the "me" last night is different from the "me" talking now. But memories exist, and when we link them together, we form a narrative of two people, in which we call "friendship". The girl who sits next to you on the bus, with whom you talked about your life and she hers, but who you will never see again, is not a "friend" because there is no narrative, no friendship.

If one friend no longer talks to another (or at least not as frequent as before), it does not mean that a friendship is falling apart: rather it means each friend now has to readjust his position in the other friend's life. I often tell myself this truth: do not be so proud and think that you are everything to this person or that person - you may perhaps be important, but we each have our own lives, our own goals, our own ambitions that only that each of us can determine. Perhaps before you always talk to this person; now there is less frequency of talking. Alright. This is no big deal. Reflect upon yourself and readjust yourself to suit the need of your friend. If the present dialogue narrative is too difficult to continue, adjust your language to help your friend to continue. If indeed the narrative must end, then let it end ever quietly and gracefully, not just for your own sake but for the peace of mind of your friend.